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In your head, I'm in your head. In your head, I'm in your hand. In my head,
your head is small and so similar to a watermelon. A watermelon, placed so gently on the table while a viscious temper flares
through and replaces pulse, jump on top of the table and smash the damn thing to chuns of red liquid moosh on the bottom of
my shoes. I hate watermelon. Strange urge to taste it. Passionately brought to my lips, meets my tongue, dances in flavor
and eyes full of thick anger, smile at each corner of my red moosh covered lips. Spill, drip, eaten and loving it. I DESTROY
YOU. I cannot destroy myself and learn from it so I must destroy everyon else. I thirst for knowlege and hunger for answers
to the questions my moist eyes have quirried. Feeling so goddamn alone and idiotic. WHY don't I know these things? Why do
YOU seem to know? Why don't YOU fucking shut up and die?! Let me win. Let me be naive cuz it's all I know how to be, let me
wallow in my past and blame and blame and never become anything great. NEVER ANYTHING GREAT. Why do YOU get to see good things?
Where's MY sunshine and trailing rainbow. Why don't you just stop me now, slap me to the ground and FORCE me to take charge
of the stampede? FUCK ME. Anger of sorts. Angry passion fruit. Suck it.
05-27-04
 Deeper
I am from a childhood caught on tape
bathing, giggling, teething.
I
am from a Stater Brother's backyard
combing a dolls hair on the kitchen floor.
I am from the yellow brick road
and
Pee-Wee's word-of-the-day.
I am from sitting at the kitchen counter
after three hours and cold pea soup.
I am from
singing and laughing,
from tickling and smiling.
I am from one to another.
I am from church;
God's palm in one
hand, junior bible in the other.
I am from Christmas Eve afternoon: step-dad's family.
I am from Christmas Eve night:
Mom's family.
I am from Christmas morning: our house.
I am from Christmas afternoon: Daddy's house.
It's enough to
break a child.
I am from watching children's
bloom red under and angry ruler.
It's enough to break a child.
I
am from stories of overturned cars,
just one I cared for.
I am from stories told different ways
blaming different
people.
It's enough to break a child.
I am from the loss of the only one I had.
It's enough to break anyone.
I
am from salty pillowcases and troubled nights.
I am from wrong being right being wrong
Which always was.
I am from
secrets, shhh, secrets.
It's enought to break a child.
I am from "I love you"
I am from "I love you" and I don't
believe it anymore.
It's enough to break a child.
I am from anger around me where
I place myself.
I am from nightmare's
of enjoyed rape
and awaken with the urge to empty my stomach in the toilet.
It's enough to break a child.
I am from
somewhere you can't go
because I built it and stay there, in here.
It's enough to break a child.
I am from a mother
who thinks she understands
because she found the secret.
I hate it.
It's enough to break a child.
They scream,
they yell, they cuss, I cry
to myself. "Don't you dare let them see".
It's enough to break a child.
I am from breaking
so many times,
yet the pieces will not fall. They sit,
hang, pull, but will not fall.
It's enough to break a child.
Broken
would be better than this place I've trapped myself.
Just a child.
3.17.03
*no title*
Chapter One
Hanging out with the loser crowd no real friends to call my own, trying
to hold on to eighth grade friends but they've moved on
Chapter Two
Living day to day i help him live his too because Erik is my best friend
and we help each other live because it's so hard when you're all alone but we were there for each other, and still try to
be
Chapter Three
Crying at night and hating my life (nothing new) not seeing what others
say is there i push everyone else away don't want any love except for that i choose
Chapter Four
Lonely and hurting from the path i'd chosen all I do is cry and blame
myself then Thoth opens my eyes he has saved me from a life I hated and almost forced myself to love
Chapter Five
Thoth makes me a better person Thoth loves me more than anything Thoth has given up his life
in Pennsylvania Thoth supports me like "he" didn't and loves me like "he" never could finally true hapiness and ready to take
on the world with a life that might have ended tomorrow without Thoth
5.29.03
RazorBlade
I close my eyes and see you
my savior
from a vicious grasp
closed or not they see you
and am gifted with happiness unforced
my doorway out of shadows
my savior from hiding
no more blaming self for him
hold me forever and save me from my past
from lies of love
weak in your arms yet so much stronger
I tried so hard to make it work
he wouldn't change and I couldn't enough
but now I'm weak in your arms yet so much stronger
05.05.03
Penniless
Skin the branches
hollow center outside is fresh
split open the apple
coreless and shiny red
slap my face
broken inside and dry cheeked
buried treasure and broken bones
eyes sown shut wandering on
and on
blackness darkness shining bright
open up
locked out of my own heart
bastard
big small
black blue
screw society's view
take me with you
take me gone
01.08.03
Revealed Ashamed
I'm looking for pity, I'm looking for shock
I'm waiting for your jaw to drop
I want you to make me cry.
Look at me in astonishment and watch me cry.
Ask me questions tha make me feel guilty.
Now you see me.
I tell myself we'll still be friends,
pretending you don't know,
but it will never be the same.
The secret has always been something to
hide behind.
Now that you know it, I feel naked.
I feel ashamed.
I will never feel comfortable in your eyes again.
You have unraveled my thick skin.
I am nothing now.
10.9.02
Don't Close The Door
a friendship scarred, a friendship broken
by words that should have stayed unspoken.
Bad judgement and ill timing
and everything before were lies blinding.
Secrets unveiled on each side
but for your own good...
there's more I still hide.
The outcome has gone all wrong
and to fix it might take long
but, truthfully, I don't want to lose
a good friend.
I don't want what we have to end.
I don't think I'm asking too much,
not for a kiss or touch,
just a smile, a laugh,
anything to have my friend back.
8.19.02
A Child's Prayer
Jesus, I love you. I want to ask you to take care of my brother, he has
the flu. And help my doggy, Trixie, to safely have her puppies. My birthday is coming up. I hope everyone will have fun at
my party this Sunday. Don't worry though Jesus, I'll be at church that morning. Goodnight.
Jesus, I can't wait 'till tomorrow, I'll be six years old! All my friends
from church will be there, and I hope you'll be there too! I'll save you some chocolate cake. I pray everyone will get there
safely. Goodnight Jesus.
Jesus, I thought you loved me. Aren't you suppose to protect the children?
Aren't you suppose to protect me? I talk to you, pray to you, go to church, give you my heart, but you don't seem to care
anymore. I went to church this morning and praised your name, maybe you didn't hear me. After church Julie's older brother
said he had a present for me so I followed him to the back lot and we met his friends, two other boys. I didn't know them
but I had seen them with the other high school kids. And it was there, dear Jesus, I lost faith in you. The two boys grabbed
me by my hair and my arms and held me to the ground. I tried to tell them that it hurt and they told me to shut up. And it
was there, Jesus, I saw the Devil. He was in Julie's brothers' eyes. I was so afraid Jesus. The boys held me tight and pulled
up the sundress I had gotten this morning for my birthday. My flowered panties were showing. I felt embarrassed, scared, and
helpless. Julie's brother unzipped his pants. And it was there, Jesus, I called you. Julie's brother pulled down my panties
and then his. I closed my eyes and tryed to wiggle free but I couldn't. Julie's brother layed on top of me. I felt fear, embarrassment,
tears, anger. And then pain. A burning pain in my private. And it was there, Jesus, I hated you. I've never hated anyone before.
Right then I hated everyone. I cried Jesus. I screamed under the two boys' big hands. I prayed for it to end. But I didn't
pray to you. I prayed to anyone else but you. He got off me. He told me if I told anyone he'd do it again. I went to the bathroom.
I cried and wiped the blood from my private. You are a cruel Jesus.You hurt me. I can't trust you anymore.
6.9.02
Feed
closing in on me
my back pressed against the wall
puncturing my flesh
2.27.02(haiku)
Erik
The first thing that came out of your letter, the part of you
I didnt like all too much, made me smile. The smell. I want to put it in a bottle and spray it when I miss you most. I
want to string your love to a necklace and let it dangle near my heart, such a magnetic charge. I want to put you hug in my sweater, Ill never be cold again nor ever take it off. I want to put your humor in my pocket keeping it warm and whenever I feel sad, I reach down and pull a
little out to brighten my day. I want to put your laugh in my headphones so instead
of crying, for you, I can laugh, for us. I want to replace my rabbits foot with
your hair and caress it when I feel the urge to tear. I want to paste the world
with your letters to me so when I miss you I simply open my eyes and I can read your loving words. I want to put you, the you I alone am privileged to know, on live T.V. so others can see I am not in love
with a mad man, but the most romantic.
11.08.01
Justice
You have achieved much.
I know because when I first met you,
at our first touch,
you were so unexperienced.
You have grown in wisdom.
Your goal is coming near.
At first you thought it would be easy.
It has proven to be a task.
A task you have enjoyed persuing.
I see you smile at me.
I know you love me,
I can feel it in your touch
and your soothing voice.
Yes, a great deal is ahead,
you are a great distance from done,
and you'll enjoy the experience.
You strive to achieve the knowledge
to control me.
I am pleased and proud of you.
Don't forget me.
Don't forget what I've taught you
and all the teachings I have yet
to bestow upon you.
Growth comes to patient ones.
Have patience my child,
my friend,
my mother.
8.?.01
Is This What I Wanted?
My face is on every billboard, my smile on every cover, my voice on every talkshow, my article on evry page. I've
worked so hard to get here, I've done great so far. At first my actions were all from me and all I believed in, but if you
want to succeed in this world, that's something you have to let go. I made a whole new life story just for all of you and
you liked it, so I kept it, I'd be everywhere they said. Now it's getting old, it's getting to my head. I feel I have no self-control,
you lead me like a marrionette. So here I sit in the bathroom, my only private time, thinking of my life, full of pain and
strife. It's way off track from what I thought it would be, I've gone too far, no way of turning back. So her I stand in front
of the mirror with the barrel to my head, finger's on the trigger, it's myself that I dread. I look at me and think of my
life and what I wanted it to be. They are so much different, how could it have happened to me? If I pull the trigger no one
will miss me, I'm such a disgrace. No one knows the real me, only my paint-caked face. Now it doesn't matter, I can't take
it anymore. The world can't take me for who I am, ther is no more reason to go one.
CLICK.
03.30.01
I Knew It
open your heart to ME, please unlock the door, I promise to take care, to take every
precaution. I will make sure to keep YOU warm on a cold day, stand in the rain with YOU, tell YOU that I LOVE YOU and that
you are beautiful everyday. I will hold YOU to show YOU I care for YOU, I will kiss YOU all over. I will write YOU letters
saying how much I care and call YOU when I can't be there. All I ask of YOU is to open the door of YOUR heart to ME. I am
knocking here, can YOU hear ME? I am waiting here, can YOU feel ME? so open YOUR heart, I've confessed MY love, open YOUR
heart and let ME be a part of YOU.
my heart is now OPEN,
my heart is now GONE,
my heart is DESTROYED,
and handed
back to me on a silver platter.
03.22.01
I am like an animal with armored, shielded skin. My outsides show you
happiness yet you don't know that my laughter is forced out at times and I strain to smile. Passed the hard shell, which has
hardened over time, is something which I hold inside even though it shouldn't be. It hurts. The pain that is in me, that won't
come out. I need to empty myself yet am terrified of the consequences. So I will sit here with my fears, my threats, my grief,
hoping it wil exit slowly yet I am stupid to hope such a thing. It will never happen. Everyone thinks I am good, happy, and
perfect but that is my shell, my shield, blinding you. I will not allow anyone to remove it, I've grown fond of hiding. Tears
are forced down my throat with a smile. In my bed I lay crying and cursing, thinking evil, disgusting, and crude thoughts,
then force them back in just for the world. Be grateful.
11.01.00
Lie
Why do I look so cute? Why do I feel used? We all love being abused.
Do you know who I am? Do you know what I do? We are all who we say we are. How can you see through me? How can I stay alive?
We all live life to the fullest. Simple and sweet is what I am, I do everything that I'm told properly.
Why do people lie? Why do people assume? How is it possible to be everyone at once?
Unique is beauty,
beauty is popular,
popular
is bitchy,
bitchy is attitude,
attitude is unique.
All the reason to be a weird outcast.
05.15.00
Party!
Watch as the magical words spring from my lips
listen to each strings
tune hum.
Sounds of guzzlin' rum
Go through your brain as it rips.
Break out the pizza and potato chips
It's
the weekend, let's all get dumb!
Watch as the magical words spring from my lips
listen to each strings tune hum.
Time
for the alcoholic banana splits
let's have a drink race, everyone, grab a chum!
Now let's go mess up my house, everyone
can come!
Watch as the magical words spring from my lips
listen to each strings tune hum.
02.28.00 (rondel)
He lies in the bed so sanitarily clean, I walk in the door he looks at
me
He squeals with joy at the sight of my face just my luck it's medicine time
Andrew takes a whiff of the so
called 'cherry flavor' then pushes it away with disgust and displeasure.
After fusing and fighting we couldn't take
it any longer we decided to give him a pill which would take some pain away.
An hour later the time has come for Andrew's
walk, for Andrew's pain.
I threw off his covers, slowly he rises sliding slowly down the edge of the bed 'till his
feet touch the ground.
I hold Andrew's hand. I have never known how precious this young life really means to me.
Andrew is courageous he walks through the door. Andrew is strong he walks
down the hall.
Andrew sits in his wheelchair I hug him with congradulations then roll him into the playroom. I say
"goodbye".
As I walk out of the hospital I realize how lucky our family is. I realize how much I've helped my brother
live with his pain.
6.1.99
The Roaming Lover
I have a small stick in my hand, a little twig if you will, a magic stick
that starts a fire the fire that dances away.
I run the stick across the gravel it sparks a light alive. The light
attatches to a string and thus, this fire is free.
This newborn life has so much energy. Its beauty and majestic colors
let it move gracefully through the cold air, dancing through the night sky.
It dances clear across the ocean to fin
someone to caress but it only finds that one string, the string that brought it life.
That little fire, its burning
desire to meet someone new soon ran away scared because little fire love little string.
The little fire loved the string
but sorrow was yet to come, for the string had grown old in age, it's time had come, it's time had gone.
So now our
little fire is alone, he'll have to roam again, across the ocean far and wide to find his mate for another life.
4.30.99
I was filled with laughter, full of joy but my dad walked in with a frown.
I could tell something was wrong with one look in his eyes. I felt something sad. From the redness in his eyes I could tell
that he had been crying. I feared I soon would be too. I knew that my aunt Vicky and my cousin Candance Marcil were in an
accident but I did not know of what horrible news my dad had in store. He told me that my aunt and cousin had died in the
car crash. Right then and there tears rolled down my cheek. I was taken home, I could not sleep. My mother had not yet come
home. When she arrived we told her. We stood there sobbing side by side. I thought that my cousin and I would be together
forever. The day of the funeral everyone cried, everyone except me. Listen, I'll tell you why. They both knew God and gave
their hearts to Him. I know that they are watching us happily in Heaven. I have this fealing everyday that Candance is my
guardian angel and now that it's a year later now, only now I start to cry. It's sad that when we had the funeral everyone
had pity on her father and who will help him get through the pain? One with kind and gentle ways. In chorus it's hard to sing
the songs that remind me of the ones I've lost. I know they're in a better place there will always be a gap in my heart they
were there, and still are. They are not gone, just their flesh they are not here, but within. So when a family member dies
don't forget, it's not if they're with you, it's if they are within.
1998
Friends
I have friends, yes I do.
You got friends? I'm sure more than two.
I
used to be new,
I can see that you were too!
All my friends say that I bother too much.
I ruin the parties by eating
all the food
And drinking all the punch!
I feel like everyone hates me,
Even my best friends!
I love animals,
I
love my family,
I love my friends,
But I feel like no one loves me!
Could you love me?
Could you be...
My friend?
1998
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Skin Trail
Forbidden tears slashing my face Frightened and lost here I am again. I thought
I'd forgotten this place, left it for good but here I hide again. Pity me in my weakened state beaten and bruised by the hand
of my own. Murder my eye, devil smile, death becomes such a delicacy and darkness such a warm welcome. Spittle of truth and
lie trickle down and meet at the tip of the chin, dangle playfully toying and tugging on life. Terror, love, rushing enemy,
mortal love. Endless spell and spinning webs. Searching for answers and smearing lies and truth across my tear-stained hot
skin. Climb, descend, deceitful child. No more of yourself than before, still a lie inside.
5-18-04
Thirteen Ways of Looking at Change
I
Inside the pleasant home
the only moving things
are her two left feet.
II
She was of two minds,
and in time
nursed and bred another.
III
She dipped and twirled by his words.
It was her role in this play called life.
IV
A man and woman
are one.
His reputation, his posessions, and his wife,
are one.
V
I do not know whick to prefer,
the satisfaction of security
or satisfaction of self respect,
the rush of truth
or just after.
VI
Her mind controlled by their
beliefs and reputations.
She lived in the shadows,
brought to play on short occassions.
Her smile,
drawn just so every day
and now she wonders why.
VII
O Aphrodite,
why did you not tell him my worth?
He sees only what
he was taught to see
by society.
VIII
She knows society
is strong and grips him hard,
but she also knows
she did what was right
in her mind.
IX
She slammed the door on him;
and followed
others she had given courage.
X
Leaving all she knew,
she knew tears
of happiness would
strike her forward.
XI
He led his life
with her as a possession.
Fear struck for the first
and in shock
he looked at the dead
dress, empty with her gone.
XII
She has left,
times must be changing.
XIII
Dead of herself all those years.
Change had taken over
and continued.
She stood alone
and smiled from true happiness.
4.2003
(assignment on Dollhouse)
Breathe For Me
You cry to me and I hold you close but look away I am broken inside yet
I help you gather your own pieces you reach for the blackened piece moldy and blood soaked I touch you hand, shun it away,
for I will keep that piece I'll have a piece of you, a piece you don't want and I don't want but I'll take it. I help many
people put themselves back together and take the evil corroded piece for myself, painful as it may be, because "I can handle
it" and "you need my help". Collection of heavy black pieces weigh down the shelves, the tables, the counters, and any other
space open for placing. Each of your pieces, part of my collection. They shapeshift slowly, make themselves pieces of
me. Too many pieces, and no place for them to fit. At the dinner table they sit next to me, can't help but see them. Take
my shoes out of the closet after a ten minute search under polluted pieces. They rest in my garden bed, flowers soon aren't
so bright and give up all together wilting under the heavy atmosphere. Lights dim around the piles of missing pieces which
I have taken in and, unintentionally, made my own. Vision blurred, it seems they smirk at me. Lightbulbs break and explode,
pressure too extreme. Door not in reach, not in sight, stairs vanished, I lay in my bed covered with pieces I allowed
in. I cry. You can't see them, but they're here. I wish I was not.
03.31.03
If you see mommy smile it's because
you did something cute.
If you see mommy laugh it's becuase
you did something funny.
If you see mommy cry it's because
you're so beautiful it moves mommy to tears.
If you see mommy sad it's because
mommy's thinking of you growing up and away.
If mommy see's you smile,
mommy will too.
If mommy see's you laugh,
mommy will too.
If mommy see's you cry,
mommy will too.
If mommy see's you sad,
mommy will be too.
I can't wait to look into your eyes and
see your father.
9.29.02
Show Them Something
we are a dying breed. Although many others casually use them, there remain
a select few that hold those three special words for only one special person. Many are afraid, yet a small handful of the
world will fight for what they know is true. It's a cruel world. Many don't believe in trued love or the concept of loving
one another eternaly. But if you hold my hand and I hold yours, we can fight for something beautiful. We can give those non-believers
something to ponder.
7.22.02
Enclosed
I am confined into a life with invisible boundaries. I am locked in a
metal box, solid and no way of escaping. A dot of light peeks in from the only hole in my protective box. The things I see
from that hole, oh the things I see. I see happiness, joy, pleasure, freedom. I see anger, danger, fear, stress. I see life.
I look around my small box and find sensorship, confinement, and loneliness. I want to be outside dispite some of the bad
things. Set me free. Don't you see that you are just hurting me more? If I don't learn now, how will I live with it later.
You say you're been through it, so let me experience life too! Let me make my own mistakes because I can't learn from yours.
4.17.02
NIGHTMARE
I crawl inside myself, inside of a black hole. I cut myself on sharp
blades of hatred. I bleed fear. It
is warm and heavy. It pours over me causing me to tremble, tremble inside myself. I
pray someone will sow my eyes shut. I wish to see no more. I beg someone should rip out my heart. I wish not to feel
the hot pain any longer. Memories have imprisoned me inside myself. Im shackled to a bed of lies. Pillows fluffed with guilt smother
my face. I kick and turn and pull and scream.
I will not give in until it is over. I will fight. It is not over. I may be drenched in innocent sweet sweat,
but I know I deserve this. But my grieving stops here. I will put it behind me. Your name will no longer send shivers
to plague my body. No longer will your face haunt me in my dreams. No longer will I endure the pain, guilt, and blame I place upon myself.
I want you to know you ruined my childhood but you made a future for me. I
will make sure the rest of your life is a complete nightmare. At night before
you sleep, pray I do not find you, pray you wont have to suffer my wrath. For
what youve done to me, I will make certain, haunts you till death. Its your turn
to live in fear, live in shame, live in a nightmare.
04.07.02
BLOOD
FIEND
Close
your eyes to navigate the dark,
my
flesh is warm and taunting.
And
yes it may be a bit haunting
for
my bite is worse than my bark!
Through
my fingers touch; a spark
blood
dripping off me, flaunting.
Close
your eyes to navigate the dark,
my flesh is warm and taunting.
In this room the Devil does lurk
too late for daunting.
Your heavy breath is panting
and is smothered with my bloody smirk.
Close your eyes to navigate the dark.
02.27.02 (rondel)
For The Love Of Pencils
midget pencils in a row
stabbed your eye, "where did you go?"
dripping puss; really gross
midget pencils I love most!
2.27.02(grues)
Too Many Maybes
Why do you make me love you so much? You make me miss you, that makes
me cry. Sometimes I think maybe youve forgotten me. Maybe youve found someone else that will kiss you, that will hug you no
matter if anyone is watching. Maybe she says she loves you in front of her mom who is totally cool with you. Maybe she has
been through everything you have and thats why you connect so well. Or maybe my mind is getting mixed up with my emotions
and all I can do is think of worse case scenarios. Even if all these maybes are true, Ill still love you. In my hear, no matter
how far apart we are, no matter if communication is scarce, no matter if we distance more than I wished we never will, I will
love you indefinitely.
01.23.02
The Bad Deed
all of these days, weeks, months, years, in the depth of the blackness.
all this time, all by myself, all lonesome. I tried to hide it, tried to ignore it, tried to put it behind me. I turn the
corner and there it is, showing its grotesque, hideous, horendous face. Its evil eyes looking into me, seeing me for me, and
what I've done. I see what it does, the me inside, and the imposter on the out. I am forced to look to the past at all the
times I've beaten myself, suffocated myself, slain myself, over my horrid deed. I can't keep on like this. I'm eating myself
alive. I'm slowly decaying, inch by inch, piece by piece, mortifying my soul. No longer will I suffer. It's your turn to see
this evil beast which follows me, which haunts me, which stalks me. Maybe if you're introduced to it, he'll let me go. I'll
be me for the first time. Only time will tell, so start listening.
09.09.01
Hard On Your Knees
It's hard.
brings you to your knees.
the pressure.
the pain.
the pleasure.
the stain
will not go.
her it will stay.
it cannot leave.
no way.
The entrance.
behind you.
cannot re-enter there.
danger
lay ahead.
scared?
Yes.
go on.
you will succeed.
take that long walk.
down the long hallway.
with frightening
monsters,
and such.
you will pull through,
though the exit is miles ahead.
and it seems as if you struggle for
nothing.
you
will succeed.
It's hard.
brings you to your knees.
do you want to borrow
my kneepads?
05.20.01
BLACK
dark like the night sky
BLACK
painful
like a poison BLACK deep like the truth
BLACK
it felt
like me BLACK although she despises it
BLACK
she accepts
it BLACK she understands BLACK
i need
it BLACK to hide the me BLACK
i dont
want anyone to see BLACK now we are a little closer
BLACK
THANKYOU
03.01.01
Soldier
I was told by a dear friend of mine
that not everyone is always "just
fine".
He handed me what you've just recieved
"just another toy I simply percieved.
He looked at me and said
"keep this near,
it will help you in times of trouble and fear.
If you're in some trouble, it's starting to brew,
it
will help fight your battles for you!"
So I pass these wrods on to others
in hopes they'll pass it on to their brothers
and
trust in it but don't get carried away,
take care, much love, have a nice day!
5.01.00
Reality
The blackness of you seeps into me
lets look back at what I used to
be.
Innocent face, kind words of approval
pain does hurt as do words
be careful what you say and who you say it to
I've
learned these things from you.
your deepest, darkest, secrets...
should stay that way.
It's true you can never stay
the same
journey into the paranormal
seek of what you find
never remember your past
for the people of the future
to rescue
old and rotting you sit in the corner
while the child within waits impatiently
the world is abusive,
so strike back
the universe cries, so caress it
I scream, so ignore me
4.13.00
Our Paradise
When I look into your sky blue eyes, I get lost in the depth of a paradise
where the sun never burns your skin neither does the salty water burn your eyes nor throat. Where no one cares what you look
like in your bikini, and you and your family can actually get along. When I look at your dirty blonde hair, I see this paradise
once again, yet in more detail. The sand feels so smooth yet so icky between your toes and your feet won't even burn. Here
you see the golden sun smiling upon all the laughing children, whether they be a child physically, mentally, or at heart.
When I hear you speak softly somehow, somewhere, off in the distance I hear the waves softly crashing against the joyous shore
full of beautiful colors and sights. Sandcrabs dig themselves up and out of the sand, seagulls land near the shoreside. Far
into the ocean scene you can see the dolphins singing, all animals look towards the glorious sunset. Beautiful colors of magenta
and torquoise fill the sky in this paradise I've found. I watch all this happen yet I am not there. This makes me terribly
sad because I know something is missing from this fabulous dream. I wake to my senses and find you lying next to me. My paradise
is here I tell myself, because a paradise isn't without a loved one to share the dream with. It is no longer a vision, but
a wonderful reality. It is our paradise, ours to share, ours to keep.
01.01.00
Deep
The depths of life are like a black hole.
The depths of life a re
like a big mountain.
The depths of life are like riding the rapids.
The depths of life are like a roller coaster.
Life
can take you up.
Life can take you down.
Life can make you flip and turn.
Life can make you gaga and laugh.
You
can feel like the king of the world.
You can feel like the dirt everyone spits on.
You an feel like ruling the world.
You
can feel like killing yourself.
Others can cheer you up.
Others can bring you down.
Others can make you feel
royal.
Others can make you fell like an outcast.
There's no way you can live.
There's no way you can die.
There's
no way you can represent.
There's no way you can regret.
Isn't that why we were given life?
5.14.99
'Till I Met You
I didn't try much to be a lover, 'till I met you.
Love just wasn't
my goal, 'till I met you.
Over the years I was good at school; 'till I met you.
Very seldom had I worried about my looks,
'till I met you.
Everyone but me had their eye on someone, 'till I met you.
Robins sang happy songs, 'till I met
you.
Onomatopoeia was always spelt correct, 'till I met you.
Books were my life, 'till I met you.
Everything in my
life was perfect, 'till I met you.
Roses were blue, 'till I met you.
Test grades were perfect, 'till I met you.
Everyone
was on my side, 'till I met you.
Stuart Little was my favorite book, 'till I met you.
Thinking ahead didn't start, 'till
I met you.
Red and black weren't my favorite colors, 'till I met you.
A fear was never in my heart, 'till I met you.
Dances
were not even invented, 'till I met you.
And I wouldn't be who I am today if you hadn't put me through all the suffer.
1999
My Vow
I vowed to never love again,
never to let my heart be broken
alas,
my heart is far too strong
I broke the vow my soul hath spoken.
I vowed to never love again,
yes this used to
be true.
I vowed it in the name of God.
It was true 'till I met you.
I vowed to never love again
but looking
at you I was surprised.
I knew that vow would be broken,
that's what I've realized.
I vowed to never love again
but
you were my exception
all I wanted from you
was a sign of affection.
I vowed to never love again
I am your
number one fan,
all I ever wanted was someone to hold me,
all I wanted was a man.
1999
Notice Me!
I'm so small.
I fell so rejected.
Sometimes I even make fun of
myself!
The only way others see me
Is if I show off.
Then they get tired of it.
My mood changes very quickly,
Sometimes
by the slightest thing.
Then no one wants to even talk to me.
I wish people would just notice me
For who I really
am!
1998
Embarassment
Speak your secret
Tell it to a friend
Let it get to others
Floating
in their heads.
Passed onto a loud mouth
Now it's all over the school!
He knows,
She knows,
Who doesn't?
He
comes up to me,
Asks for the truth.
What else was I suppose to say?
Now he feels like gagging!
I loose a lot of
guy friends
That way!
1998
Crush
I know you're older.
I know you already have someone.
Tell me,
is it a crime?
To love and have feelings
For another?
I can't help but stare,
Stare at your gorgeous face.
Everytime
you smile,
My heart melts.
I can't help but smile back
And let thebutterfies flutter.
You crush my heart with
the sound of
Your voice.
Your laugh sounds like wind through
my ears.
Your spirit flwos in and out of
My helpless
soul.
I'm jumping out of a plane
With my heart, the parachute.
I will die if you, the air
Doesn't catch it.
Right
now I'm falling,
You haven't said anything.
I know if I ask you and you say no,
A hole will apear in my heart.
But
alas, another gust of wind
Will catch my parachute.
But it won't be you.
Someday we'll meet again.
Someday our
eyes will come together again,
And the crush will start once again!
1998
Call Me
Sometimes I think you never knew that I loved you. Sometimes I wish I
never told you my secret. Then again, I think you never remember the day I called you. All I really want to know is if you
have feelings for me. Everytime I see you, I get butterflies in my stomach. When I talk to you, I get tongue tied! You look
so good when you smile yet, I know you're too good for me. I can't believe you still talk to me after that day. I know you
don't deserve me, 'cause I don't deserve you. I don't know why I try but you're a magnet to me! I still can't believe I told
you, told you in my own words! It looks like this is our little secret 'till you say something. But if you need someone, just
call me.
1998
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